On Being Present...

I remember an incident many years ago that taught me an important lesson. Our oldest child was four years old and her two sisters were three and one. I was sitting on the couch in an attempt to make my morning prayer while the girls played in the other room. I was rather new at this! I was desperately trying to be with God at the beginning of my day for a set amount of time. I did my best to incorporate this into my schedule. I suppose I had the idea that if I did it well, I might have some extraordinary experience like Teresa of Avila. Boy was I wrong!!! What I found, instead, was an endless barrage of unwelcomed "interruptions". Looking back they were the cutest of distractions, but they were keeping me from God; so I thought! I became increasingly frustrated that I couldn't stay attentive to Him without little voices asking for a drink, help with dressing a doll, or a diaper change. Something was very wrong! This "time of prayer" was more like a battle and I was definitely losing. To add to my discouragement, the phone rang and our oldest answered. I heard her say, "Mama can't come to the phone right now, she's doing her prayer." All I could think was "Why, Lord? I am trying to learn to pray and I can't! Now my humiliation is increased as it is publicised to a stranger!" Luckily, later on that day I was supposed to see my spiritual director...



To be candid, I was not looking forward to my appointment. At that point, I saw spiritual direction more as a report. Just like when I was in school I wanted it to be a good one. As I was just beginning to pursue growth in my spiritual life, I was very childish in my understanding and expectations. Looking back, I realize how much I resembled my little ones. I had similiar dispositions..."me, me, me" and "I can do it!" What a comfort to know that the Lord tells us that we have to be like little children to enter the kingdom of heaven. This helps us to be transparent and docile to being taught. It HELPS, but the real key is allowing God to be our Father. How I wanted to do this myself and my way; the way I thought prayer should be done. I wasn't being His child. I was letting myself pretend that I didn't need guidance. Thankfully, He is patient and understanding of our little tantrums and self absorption! Through my director I was able to adjust my attitudes and swallow a bitter pill!



Although desiring to set aside time to be with God is a good and worthy aspiration; my motivation and outlook simply weren't! Wanting to FEEL spiritual and pat myself on the back were the farthest thing from true prayer. Instead of perceiving my children's needs as keeping me from God, I was encouraged to see that He was speaking to me through them. CS Lewis once said something like "prayer doesn't change God, it changes me." As long as I held onto my expectations of how this prayer relationship should go, I would be at an impasse. It didn't take much to come to terms with the fact that it wasn't God who needed changing, but me. I needed to reassess my reasons for praying. Making the time to pray, to be with God is a sign of our love for Him. God is always present and available to us. Why? Simply because He loves and cares for us.



I needed to learn to give that time to God out of love and with no expectations. If my children needed something, would it be loving to ignore them or become cross with them? Instead of fighting the normal circumstances that fill my day, could it be that God was going to teach me that to love Him is as uncomplicated as finding His presence in all things and responding with His heart. Being truly present to those I find on my path, each day, will reveal His presence and in turn guide me to respond in love . Each moment will no longer be perceived as an affront to my plans, but will have the power to help me grow to be more like Him.