Attitude Can Make Or Break Us (Feb 6, 2009)

Life is a funny thing. In some ways it is so predictable, yet it can also be remarkably mysterious. Just when I think I have it figured out, it takes another unexpected turn. Since life is a journey, not a destination, I remind myself that the road will, at times, be rough. In the past few months I have seen a number of my loved ones and dear friends face some painful experiences. In fact, my husband recently commented, "there is so much suffering all around." It really had me thinking about the paradox of hardships and difficulties. One of the beautiful things about our human nature is that we can choose to find meaning and purpose in the most devastating of circumstances. Viktor Frankl, an Austrian psychiatrist who lived in the 20th century, wrote poignantly on this subject. He lived through imprisonment and torture. He reflected on his experiences in his book Man's Search for Meaning. He recalls, "We who lived in concentration camps can remember the men who walked through the huts comforting others and giving away their last piece of bread. They may have been few in number, but they offer sufficient proof that everything can be taken from a man, but one thing: the last of the human freedoms- to choose one's attitude in any given set of circumstances, to choose one's own way."


I am certain we all remember many accounts of the selfless acts of courage by those who endured the 9/11 tragedy. In the face of such evil was an unquenchable thirst for good to prevail! That attitude is at the core of all human triumph, whether it be in small or great ways. Seeing ourselves as capable of rising above circumstances lays the foundation for a life well lived. So as I travel the road of life I must do my best to take time to reflect on my decisions. In this way I will be able to fully choose my way and my attitude. The focus cannot be what happens, but rather how will I choose to respond to what happens! This is not the answer to living an easy life-there is no such thing-but it will ensure that I leave this world a little better than when I found it. Every situation in life has the potential to allow the greatness of the human spirit to shine forth. I have seen it first hand in the lives of my family and friends. Perhaps we can call to mind these words of Viktor Frankl, "when we are no longer able to change a situation-we are challenged to change ourselves."

On Being a Woman of Influence

Last weekend I had the great privilege of speaking to a group of women on the topic of being a positive influence in society. We all impact society each moment of our lives. The question is whether our ripple in the stream will provide a positive or negative current in our homes and for our culture. As I reflected on this subject I thought back to the women over the years who have influenced my life personally. To my surprise, I realized that there were some unexpected sources of inspiration for me. Until I took the time to look back, I really hadn't noticed that there were many women who had left a lasting impression on me after a simple "chance" meeting. What we humans call "chance" is in reality the work of divine providence in our lives! One of the keys to not missing the importance of these transient faces (and moments) is to understand that we, ourselves, are one of those faces along the way for others. With this knowlege, we can be more deliberate in our words and actions and also appreciate the unique and unrepeatable encounters we have with eachother everyday!


I remember a story I once heard of a little girl who said to her mother, "Mama, can I go with you to your meeting today? You are always so nice and cheerful to those people." You can imagine the mothers dismay at the painful truth her little one had just expressed in her innocence. This little nugget was a treasure for the mother, if she chose to see it that way. Her mother suddenly understood that she was teaching her daughter the very opposite of what she was hoping to instill in her. What she wanted her daughter to learn was that we are part of a greater community than simply our family. That it is important to make the time to help those less fortunate and live with a sense of civic responsiblity. It seemed that it had all been lost in the translation. She felt confused and discouraged!


As she began to mull over this fleeting comment she was struck by the irony. She knew deep inside that this unexpected moment was painful and powerful yet, it came out of the mouth of her babe! It was one of those times which offered the possibility of positive change. This woman had an epiphany of sorts! Her lack of kindness and felicity around the house, especially on the days of her meetings, was defeating a fundamental lesson. She recognized that the prerequisite to a strong and healthy society is a loving and caring environment at home, in the family. Just like the ripple in a stream, the first current begins closest to the stone and then moves out systematically from there. It doesn't work any other way. She had to be careful, though, not to throw the baby out with the bathwater! Working together with others in her community to help raise the tone of the culture and lift the heavy burdens of those suffering is essential, but society will only be as strong as its weakest links. She had to be prudent and thoughtfully choose how she would spend the precious moments of her time and energy. She knew she must be wise enough to give those closest to her the very best of herself, first and foremost. The simple honesty of her daughter was a transforming influence. Life is so incredible! It is filled with lessons and meaning; if we are open to them.



The best insurance policy for the future of our family, our country and our world is taking care of those closest to us principally. If we take the time to evaluate our decisions and make adjustments, there will be time to assist those outside of our family. It does not have to be an either/or situation. If we are having difficulty maintaining a peaceful existence with our loved ones at home, then we might need to stand back a bit and and courageously ask ourselves "are my priorities straight"? It is not unusual to be off the mark, it happens to everyone. The real problem isn't messing up, but whether we take the time and employ the fortitude needed to make changes in our attitudes, words and behaviors. Then, despite our inevitable mistakes, we will undoubtedly be women who positively contribute to the lives of others!

On Being Responsive...

As I was growing up, our family had the great fortune of sharing a duplex with our maternal grandmother and her sister-our great aunt. Looking back I realize what a blessing that was for us. To this day I still heed the advice they gave me as a kid-I suppose that is because I didn't heed it at the time! Still, I find myself ever more grateful for their responsiveness to my needs. The time and effort they took to help form me in good attitudes and habits was such an act of love (and hope on their part). I gave them plenty of "teachable moments", but very few reasons to think I would ever put it into practice! They were heroic in their patience and perseverance. I owe them a debt of gratitude for not giving up on me! How I wish our children had known them. I try to remember that each time I respond to the needs of our kids and others with that same disposition, I have the opportunity to pass on the blessing they took the time to be for me.



Being responsive to the needs of others is a human attribute I desire to embrace more fully. This is part of our humanity, but it is also manifested, in a particular way, in a woman's nature. We seem to be hard-wired to intuit the deeper, often invisible, longings of others. Since women are the bearers of life, we come into this world with an internal radar. It is an uncanny ability to sense what is often undetectable on the surface. Granted, we may have a tendency to over rely on this gift, but when used with prudence, it can be a great source of strength in our relationships with other people. The key is for us to realize that this intrinsic ability is there for a reason. It is to help us attend to the unspoken needs of those around us (from the child in our womb to the marginalized in society, and everyone in between). How often do I find myself using this quality in a way which brings division, rather than as a tool to facilitate healing and responsiveness! Without grounding myself in prayer, I can wrongly interpret others so easily. I become shortsighted and unable to see with clear vision. Rather than understanding another, I can misconstrue them and attach my own limitations and weaknesses to them. This then becomes a caricature! When used properly, though, it is one of the greatest characteristics of my femininity.



I remember reading once that Mother Teresa would briefly bow to each person she met. Someone asked her why she did this and her answer was that she was bowing to Jesus in each one. Now that is responsiveness and the proper use of her feminine intuitions! Was there any woman of the 20th century better known for her attentiveness to the needs of others? She may not have carried a child in her body, but she certainly held the human person close to her heart. Taking the time to pray will bring a depth of understanding in our relationships with others. It is like putting on corrective lenses for the eyes of our heart so we may act with discernment and timely responsiveness to those around us. In this way, we will respond with the fullness of our nature as women!

On Authentic Feminism

This year I will have the privilege of voting in my 8th presidential election. Over the years I have understood the importance of voting for candidates who display what Stephen Covey calls "principle-centered leadership". To use my vote to support a single promised act by any individual is myopic and imprudent. Integrity is by definition the state of being entirely whole. To live with integrity means that there is a harmony between what one thinks, says and does. I have found this to be the best test for any candidate seeking my vote.

As the November 4 election draws near, I would like to highlight an issue that in my opinion is at the heart of the "culture wars". It is reflected in the words, demeanor and record of both parties, but in opposing ways. It is at the core of the family and society; and until we get this right the peace we all long for will never be possible. The topic that generates heated and polemic responses from people is feminism. The resolution can be found in what I suggest should properly be called "authentic feminism". Since words do have meaning and power; it is important that the language we choose be clear and a true representation of the ideas being conveyed.

So what do I mean by "authentic" feminism? Feminism is concerned with the rights and equality of women. The reason that humanism does not suffice is that there are natural differences found in human males and females. Consequently, it is necessary to address this reality in a more precise way. If we also look at the word authentic the dictionary says "entitled to acceptance or belief because of agreement with known facts or experiences". With these words defined I propose that the reason that [non-authentic] feminism is so divisive is that it attempts to deny what nature insists humankind embrace. Often feminism is used as a pawn for political ideologies, rather than for true good. After all, isn't that the purpose of definitively stating rights that are intrinsic to the human person (ex: The Declaration of Independence and the World Declaration of Human Rights).

Keeping these thoughts in mind, let me give a thumbnail sketch of what "authentic feminism" looks like. It begins with the understanding that respect, dignity and equality are due to all human beings, male and female alike. It recognizes that women are equal, but different intellectually, physically, spiritually and emotionally. These natural differences are recognized and affirmed as essential to a complete and prosperous humanity. Feminism that is genuine will acknowledge, accept and accommodate the fundamental nature of woman. It will seek to protect and promote the good that is inherent in her very being.

Let us now take a look at "counterfeit feminism". Feminism that is false will renounce, reject and repudiate the traits inherent to women. It will seek to replace and even destroy the very essence of what it means to be a woman- in the guise of defending her "rights". These so-called rights are not rights at all because their object is the eradication of what is most intimately and uniquely connected to the female human person. It is here, in the depth of her being physically, emotionally, intellectually and spiritually that the assault begins. As long as woman is attacked at this most basic level, true and lasting peace is never possible. The refusal to acquiesce to the innate attributes nature deems essential can only result in a rift that tears apart humanity at its nucleus. The most fundamental attribute of woman is to be the bearer of life. The abnegation of this prerogative unleashes nature’s disciplinary consequences. Mother Nature will not be duped! There are natural consequences to the decisions we make. We are free to choose our actions, but not the ramifications of them. The natural world is an unsympathetic teacher! As modern as we are, as long as we pretend that we can impose our desires upon the laws of nature, then I suspect we are not too far removed from our "cave" ancestors! It is time we recognize that we cannot manipulate the order of nature without dire effects for all of humanity.

True feminism celebrates the essence of woman and seeks to appreciate and work in accordance with her nature. In so doing, it offers the woman, the family and society the opportunity to face challenges and hardships with an acceptance of who she is as female. Only this will begin to reverse the devastating impact of choices made which begin the cycle of war, not peace. The seeds of conflict in our world are sown every time a woman is encouraged to turn her back on the most basic characteristic of her being. Nature chose her to be the bearer and nurturer of new life, not the executioner of it. “Authentic feminism” understands this and seeks to find solutions to difficult circumstances while respecting her role as life giver.

As we go to the polls this November, may we take the time to support those candidates that lead with conviction and principle. Let us look beyond the narrow lens of our pocketbooks to elect those who are committed to the common good!

On Being Present...

I remember an incident many years ago that taught me an important lesson. Our oldest child was four years old and her two sisters were three and one. I was sitting on the couch in an attempt to make my morning prayer while the girls played in the other room. I was rather new at this! I was desperately trying to be with God at the beginning of my day for a set amount of time. I did my best to incorporate this into my schedule. I suppose I had the idea that if I did it well, I might have some extraordinary experience like Teresa of Avila. Boy was I wrong!!! What I found, instead, was an endless barrage of unwelcomed "interruptions". Looking back they were the cutest of distractions, but they were keeping me from God; so I thought! I became increasingly frustrated that I couldn't stay attentive to Him without little voices asking for a drink, help with dressing a doll, or a diaper change. Something was very wrong! This "time of prayer" was more like a battle and I was definitely losing. To add to my discouragement, the phone rang and our oldest answered. I heard her say, "Mama can't come to the phone right now, she's doing her prayer." All I could think was "Why, Lord? I am trying to learn to pray and I can't! Now my humiliation is increased as it is publicised to a stranger!" Luckily, later on that day I was supposed to see my spiritual director...



To be candid, I was not looking forward to my appointment. At that point, I saw spiritual direction more as a report. Just like when I was in school I wanted it to be a good one. As I was just beginning to pursue growth in my spiritual life, I was very childish in my understanding and expectations. Looking back, I realize how much I resembled my little ones. I had similiar dispositions..."me, me, me" and "I can do it!" What a comfort to know that the Lord tells us that we have to be like little children to enter the kingdom of heaven. This helps us to be transparent and docile to being taught. It HELPS, but the real key is allowing God to be our Father. How I wanted to do this myself and my way; the way I thought prayer should be done. I wasn't being His child. I was letting myself pretend that I didn't need guidance. Thankfully, He is patient and understanding of our little tantrums and self absorption! Through my director I was able to adjust my attitudes and swallow a bitter pill!



Although desiring to set aside time to be with God is a good and worthy aspiration; my motivation and outlook simply weren't! Wanting to FEEL spiritual and pat myself on the back were the farthest thing from true prayer. Instead of perceiving my children's needs as keeping me from God, I was encouraged to see that He was speaking to me through them. CS Lewis once said something like "prayer doesn't change God, it changes me." As long as I held onto my expectations of how this prayer relationship should go, I would be at an impasse. It didn't take much to come to terms with the fact that it wasn't God who needed changing, but me. I needed to reassess my reasons for praying. Making the time to pray, to be with God is a sign of our love for Him. God is always present and available to us. Why? Simply because He loves and cares for us.



I needed to learn to give that time to God out of love and with no expectations. If my children needed something, would it be loving to ignore them or become cross with them? Instead of fighting the normal circumstances that fill my day, could it be that God was going to teach me that to love Him is as uncomplicated as finding His presence in all things and responding with His heart. Being truly present to those I find on my path, each day, will reveal His presence and in turn guide me to respond in love . Each moment will no longer be perceived as an affront to my plans, but will have the power to help me grow to be more like Him.

On Being Open...

Life can be so unpredictable. In fact, I rather like it that way! I am aware that with all of the uncertainty on Wall Street, this is not the best time to make such an acknowlegment, or is it? I'll admit that the turns in life that bring unexpected joys and pleasures are easier to embrace. Yet, I have found that the difficult ones, if accepted with trust and patience, can have an even greater impact for good. As a young girl , my mother taught me "All things work for the good for those who love God". That passage [Romans8:28] was a favorite of hers and has since become one of mine. How grateful I am that she lived out her love of that verse. If it had simply been a hopeful sentiment, it would never have become a legacy for me and the next generations. She really did believe, deep in her heart, that it was true. As a daughter, I reaped the benefits of her faith in that promise!

One of the characteristics of being a human person , a woman in particular, is the ability we have to be open or not. Open to the spiritual side of life, open to thoughts and ideas, open to people and their needs, open to experiences and circumstances and open to embracing fully who we were created to become. Have you ever opened a tool box? [I try at all costs not to go there!] If you were unfamiliar with the items, how could you possibly figure out which was the right tool? If someone wasn't there to help, you had to look at its exterior to figure out its purpose. With this rather slipshod analogy, I propose that as women, we were made to be open. This is not my own idea, but some of the most obvious facts can become obscured, if we are not careful! I must admit that I have heard some absurd and illogical ideas come out of the mouths of so-called "brilliant" people. It isn't too difficult for this to occur. If we get too puffed up with our egos, we can miss the simple truth, beauty and goodness found all around us. Creation bears the imprint of the One who created everything. I am always amazed at how children can often articulate a profound truth with utter simplicity!

I remember growing up in the turbulent 60's and 70's. At the height of radical feminism, I recall some women opining that if women were in charge of the world, there would be no more war. That memory came back to me as I was watching the news over the past couple of weeks. On a theoretical level, I was intrigued by the supposition. Women are, after all , open and receptive by nature. We tend to care deeply and empathize with the sufferings of others. We are often intuitive and nurturing, we watch body language and we listen to others with our minds and our hearts. To my utter amazement I could not believe the sardonic discourse between various women on both sides of the political aisles! I was dismayed by the lack of respectful dialogue and the apparent inability to be open to the other persons perspective. My initial thought was "well, I guess there WOULD still be war if women were in charge". Then I quickly asked myself do I react any better...sadly, I realized, not really! Ofcourse, I couldn't leave it at that. I realized that this apparent failure in these women on television and in my own heated conversations did not reflect the truth of who we, as women, were created to become.

I suddenly had an epiphany! If we, as women, acted from our genuinely feminine nature; we would cease to be contentious and belittling of others. As I reflected on this realization, I found that it had to begin with those closest to me and grow from there. If I can remember that being open to another means that I value them as a person, that they deserve to be listened to and spoken to with respect. This can and should be done with our feminine dispositions aiding us. We do not have to agree with the other person, but they are a person no matter how repugnant we may find their opinions. With prayer and time for thoughtful deliberation we can grow to be more open to others, more understanding and all the while with great femininty and refinement we can lead others along the path of civility!

Being, Rather Than Doing

It may only be the middle of September, but with so much activity at home and in the world I am finding it a challenge to hold onto my hopeful enthusiasm for new beginnings. Difficult as it may be I am determined to keep my perspective! Regardless of the outside demands upon me, my desire to respond, not react, is within my very nature. I am a human being, after all, not an animal that acts out of instinct. It may seem silly to have to remind myself, but as I mentioned last week I have a knack for trying to get a different result by repeating the same ineffective methods. So I realize that one of the ways to break ingrained habits, that aren't helpful, is to begin with some basic truths. One of the most basic is often the least remembered. I am a human being made in the image and likeness of God. My understanding and belief in this truth empowers me to know that I CAN grow and change for the better, if I choose to do so. It allows me to see that possibility in others, as well. As much as I love the beginning of a new day for all the possibilities it affords me, shouldn't I give that same benefit to every other person?!


One of the reasons I seem to get stuck in reacting, instead of responding, is that I often let all of the evidence, for my perceived ineffectiveness, drown the fact that I am a child of God. I am loved and of great worth simply because of that! Sadly, I seem to buy into the deception that my value depends on what I do, how I look, etc. Looking around society I don't think I am alone in this! One of the great impediments to being fully human is to be so busy doing, that we no longer take the time to be. We are capable of thinking about our life, thinking about our actions, thinking about the needs of others and choosing to act in accordance with those thoughts. This is one distinction which clearly separates us from all other creatures. This is a great gift, but for it to be exercised we must set aside the time to allow ourselves to BE human and reflect.


Over the years I have come to understand that this is essential. If I do not take the time to do this I severely diminish my ability to choose thoughtful responses to the challenges of life. Responses which are in line with the principles I hold most dear. I am at peace when my decisions mirror these principles. How often have I told myself, explicitly or not, that I am just too busy to read, to pray, to take time for myself. When this happens I no longer act out of the best of my human nature, but instead I am left reacting. It is then that I find I resort to acting out of emotions like fear, anger, confusion or panic! I don't know about you, but I seldom make my finest decisions based on these overwhelming feelings. I must keep in mind that setting aside time to think and pray fills me with strength and a renewed sense of purpose. Nourishing my spirit with faith and hope actually allows me to be a more loving woman to all those I connect with each day. As a ripple in the stream it reverberates far beyond the initial throw of the stone.


As women in modern society with so many opportunities available, it takes discernment to know how to use our time, energy and talents for the good of family, society and self. Far too often I have decided that this personal time was simply a luxury or "great" if I could find the time. So, you guessed it, it simply didn't happen! Finally I decided, after many mistakes, that I would no longer be tossed around like a ship without an anchor. I would make the time for thoughtful reflection and prayer. Although I have little control over what life sends my way the time I spend "doing" what the world may see as nothing, actually is being truly human. Taking the time to think and pray feeds my spirit like food nourishes the body. I would never dream of missing a meal!!!

New Beginnings

One of the things I love about September is the hopefulness it brings. It ushers in a new school year and with it a new beginning. I love the opportunity to make use of the knowlege gained from good choices made, as well as, past mistakes. Although I haven't been in "school" for a long time, being a mother keeps me in the rhythm of the school calendar-which I still appreciate! I LOVE to learn and there is no finer classroom than daily life. Admittedly, I am not a fast learner. I have often tried to get a different and better result by employing the same , ineffective habits. Isn't that the definition of insanity?! Yet, I try to be patient with myself (and others) remembering that growth is a slow, arduous process . When looked at too closely it is often invisible to the eye. Thankfully though, like the seed in the ground, in time, with watering and attention to the weeds, growth is seen and the harvest comes.



The longer I am married and the more years I have under my belt raising kids; the more I realize how much I have yet to learn. What a relief to know and accept that fact!! In truth, I think that while raising our children, the lessons taught us by the kids is what finally helps parents to GROW up! This past summer, while our college kids were home, one of our daughters said disappointedly "WOW, you didn't do things this way when I was their age!" I quickly replied, " Well, I hope I have learned some things after all these years. While I am still alive I hope that I never get so set in my ways that I am unable to change and grow. That's what life is all about, don't you think?" She looked at me with a sort of puzzled annoyance and dropped the complaints.



One of the things I have tried to instill in our daughters is to see their life in stages, like the seasons.To understand that there is a time for everything, but that it takes patience, hard work and the acceptance that life is a journey; not a destination. As a woman in the 21st century there are more opportunities than ever! I want our girls to have a sense of gratitude for that fact and an awareness that many women before them did not have the possiblities they have. Each prior generation labored in countless ways to provide growth and advancement for those that came after them. It is important to remind our daughters that their privileges came from the sweat and sacrifices of many women before them. As they make their daily decisions, which are often complex because so much is possible now, it is helpful to feel an obligation to those who went before them. To esteem and honor others contributions diminishes the chance that they will squander "their inheritance".

Another new beginning is just around the corner, the 2008 Presidential election. Regardless of party affliation and political stands on the various issues there is one thing that I believe we all can agree upon. This has been and will be an historic election! During the primaries we witnessed the first time a woman has run for her parties' nomination and the first time an African American has won the nomination. Now that there is a woman running on the opposite ticket as the VP nominee, it will be a first for our country either way. That is something we can all celebrate! Americans from all the previous generations contributed to this new beginning for our country. I hope and pray that we can take the time to acknowlege that we have all benefited from their idealism,tenacity and courage. May we honor them by respect for our common humanity and faith in our democratic system. Although we may see things from different points of view and after all the mistakes in the past, hopefully, we can finally learn to have a civil discourse with one another! Well, let us at least TRY!!!